Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The Truth

Let's chat. In usual fashion, I'm going to be totally truthful.

The past few weeks a side of me has appeared that I don't particularly like. It's an angry, bitter, spiteful, petty, vindictive sort of viciousness that is nothing I am particularly proud of displaying to the world. I'm not going to excuse it or chalk it up to anything. I own up to this. Do know this--I'm not particularly pleased with my behavior, either.

It is an unfortunate part of me that reveals itself during a state of dysphoria.

Dysphoria alone doesn't explain my recent behavior. I'll attempt to diagnosis the reasons why you've seen this extremely dark, not particularly endearing side of who I am. Some of this you know already, but please let me underscore it in totality.

I'm a pretty lethal package of some incredible emotional problems.

1. MAOI induced mania.
2. Incredible frustration because I've been having frequent mood swings
3. A history of childhood sexual abuse, which makes me afraid of men, hate men, loathe my own masculinity, and display some degree of gender dysphoria
4. A completely unregulated mixed state
5. Medication that doesn't work properly because my condition is so unusual that even the best minds of psychiatry can't fix it
6. Bipolar disorder

Rest assured, I wouldn't want to be around me right now, either.

Depression creates a sense of sympathy. Dysphoria just makes you seem like an angry prick.

Right now, I'm an angry prick. I admit that.

And, I really don't want to be. This is not who I am and I do not ask for your sympathy.

Today I've been having panic attacks, crying fits, and rapidly cycling moods. I understand your distance.

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