Being here on the ward is not an unpleasant experience, but at times it's isolating. Though we all have a shared illness in common, that in and of itself is a rather loose and unsubstantial common thread. Ever since I can remember I've known that I was a very different person from the norm and here I very plainly recognize it again. In this society we have a kind of ambivalent attitude towards the intelligent---on one hand we envy those who have gifts most do not possess, but the other side of it is that our whole system is geared towards the average and pedestrian. We give lip service towards self-improvement and education, while in the same breath espousing anti-intellectual propaganda, much of which is motivated purely from envy and jealousy.
The things I read, the things I view, the things I appreciate are far from typical. Forgive me for saying that I fail to see the pleasure that other people derive from reading bad fiction, watching television, or shopping for trivialities. In my younger years I talked derisively about both these proletariat distractions and the unfortunate people who stuffed themselves full of these banalities. Though less inclined now to seem so haughty and presumptuous--like before I am left with many questions that may never be answered to my satisfaction. If I could ask God any question, I think I'd ask why he created most people with average intelligence and so few people, proportionally speaking, with of above-average intelligence. As somewhat of an idealist, I look at the numerous problems we have in the world and recognize how many of them would either not exist or be easily fixed if everyone was smart.
It's easy to be elitist when one contemplates that intelligence is, as I've said above, a commodity that is simultaneously desired and decried. It's easy to be a snob when you've lived your whole life feeling thoroughly misunderstood and under-appreciated. It's easy to feel a sense of profound angst when you look around yourself and realize how easy it is for those middling folks to find companionship and camaraderie. Every thinking person has a bit of a complex for all these reasons and for the rest of my life I suppose I'll be asking why it has to be that way.
Though we are created equal in theory, we are not created equal in reality. As such, one wonders if hierarchies should be treated as an inevitability rather than a construct in need of reform. How can we be equal if we are not equal in skills, talent, or intellect? This, too, is a matter that no amount of study or consultation can answer to my satisfaction.