Monday, January 08, 2007

Leanne's Toes


(Greatly Abridged)

for Leanne


Leanne talked to her toes. "Oh toes, I love you!" she proclaimed, to anyone who would listen. "I love you so! I love my beautiful, cute, piano toes".

They were, indeed, the most beautiful toes everyone had ever lain eyes upon. They routinely won prizes and exposure in such contests as "Toes of Washington State" and "Miss Toes Universe". Her toes were so famous, in fact, that they were mentioned in an article of Cosmopolitan, dated June 2004, titled "Ten Tips For Perfect Toenails".

Recently, however, Leanne and her toes had fallen upon rough times. It seems that her toes believed that they were not receiving the high quality pedicure treatments they believed they had deserved, after winning so many important accolades. Her toes came forward with a list of demands. First, they were to always have access to the finest pumice scrub. Next, they were to never be painted by anything followed by high quality, fast drying, no smudging toenail polish. Lastly, Leanne's toes included legal language that read that if at any time their needs were not meet, then they had every right to refuse to perform their duties.

Leanne was furious. Since when did she owe her toes anything? In fact, if he hadn't been for the skillful manipulation of other parts of her body, in particular, her brain, her toes wouldn't have been anywhere. They would have been just another pretty bunch of toes, scraping by, trying to make ends meet.

"You are nothing without ME, toes!" she spat. "Toes! I feed you, I wash you, I paint you, I rub you, I sing to you, I talk to you when you are lonely, and THIS is the thanks that I get!


At that point, Leanne's toes refused to straighten out so that she could walk. Their toe demands were not being met, and as promised Leanne was forced to cancel a photoshoot with a prominent periodical called Playtoes, that would have netted both of them several thousand dollars. Leanne hobbled along on toes that would not fully bend and on the remnants of their life savings.


Leanne was also one of extraordinary beauty. I forgot about that.


Leanne reached a settlement with her toes after six weeks of antagonizing stalemate. An outside negotiator was called in, and it was agreed that Leanne and her toes would make a clean break. Leanne retained the right to all previous photography and media ventures in which they were both attached. In return, her toes were allowed to go free-lance and find another pair of feet who would agree to their demands. The deal was rumored to be somewhere around $31 million dollars. Leanne's toes signed the contract agreement then wriggled off her feet. . Leanne then found a pair of temporary toes, which were not nearly as beautiful as her previous set, but were willing to learn the ropes of professional toe modeling and didn't complain.


Leanne's original toes called her up one day, out of the blue. Things had not worked out nearly as well as they'd intended. They wanted to reconcile. They missed her. They missed it when she talked to them, rubbed them when they hurt, sang to them when they were lonely. In short, they wanted to get back together.

Leanne had missed her original toes, too. Things had never been quite the same without them. So, she forgave them and they returned to the top of the toe-modeling career where they have been ever since. I'm sure you've seen them everywhere.

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