Wednesday, July 29, 2009
The German Way to Boil an Egg
1. Select an egg. The color can not be solid white or off white. It must be brown, but if there are any discolored places, it must be discarded immediately. If in doubt as to what color of egg is sufficient, flip to the back of the manual labeled, "Egg color pigment problems, Figure 14A75.9"
2. Place the egg into a shallow metallic pan with a ratio of tin to steel of 43:7. Draw exactly 219 mL of water into the pan, which must have an immediate temperature of no more than 13.4 degrees Celcius. The water must be from a spring in Eastern Hamburg, not Western or Central Hamburg, and certainly not Northern Hamburg. This last instruction is critical.
3. When placing the egg into the water, make sure that the temperature of the range top is turned to 99.6747 degrees Celsius and that one uses the Egg Dropping Protocol Technique discussed earlier in this manual.
4. The egg must be boiled at the above constant temperature for no less than 13 minutes and 12 seconds. If it is not, then one must either begin the entire process over again or file for a special hardship egg boiling accommodation form found in green, blue, and yellow carbon paper at the end of this book. Make sure to use no less than two of the three colors in doing so, and take care not to place the blue paper directly on top of the yellow while filling it out.
5. After the egg has been boiled according to standards, remove it by using tongs with approximately .23 mm of green plastic protective coating. The tongs themselves must be made of stainless steel, but only that of a particular plant in the Black Forest. If unable to find these particular tongs, look for paperwork entitled "Insufficient Tong Override Protocol", and make sure to use only black ink when filling it out.
6. Remove the shell with caution, and only after it has cooled to approximately 17 degree Celsius. The shell removal device given to you upon birth as a German is the proper utensil for this task. Remove to put the shell removal device into the special tool belt worn snugly around your middle, which was also given to you upon birth as a German.
7. Eat the egg, taking care to apply only a relatively gentle pressure of 17 newtons per square meter. Drink no less than 300 mL of a carbonated beverage, provided it is not colored blue or purple. Be thankful for a life dictated by reason as you wipe your mouth with a linen cloth only available for purchase at certain stores.
I mean no disrespect to Germans, but in saying so I find their tendencies toward extreme precision nothing but both endearing and simultaneously perplexing.