Steps for Buying a Hooker

Something I wrote ages ago. I doubt I could write anything this raw now. There was a time when I was young and impulsive, though this piece is simply satire.

Steps for Buying A Hooker

1. Look in the Yellow Pages.

2. Find the "E" section, then find "Escort".

3. "Escort", contrary to what you might think, doesn't mean someone who shuttles you safely from one destination to another. In actuality, "Escort" is one of those euphemisms we use to mean a person of the night, or, to put it bluntly, a prostitute.

4. You have many options from which to choose. You will find, rather quickly, that the biggest chains accept credit cards and are actually cleverly networked together by a series of disjointed phone lines.

The reason for this subterfuge is because you're about to do something illegal. If, the first few times you call, you are hung up on without the person on the end of the line saying as much as a hello, this is to be expected. They merely believe that you are an undercover vice agent eager to bust their whole operation.

5. If, by chance, you connect to someone, you will find these operations are run either by one of two types of people: a Madam, who calls everyone, regardless of gender and age, "baby" and is nastily impatient with you due to her rampant cocaine addiction, or a man who answers the phone gruffly. You picture him hunched over a vast switchboard, chain smoking, inside a grimy room lit only by one overhead lightbulb that hangs downward from a chain.

6. The price is then agreed upon. Tips are the ways in which you cull special favors like oral sex, anal sex, and intercourse.

7. The women that characterize the occupation are ordinarily working-class sorts with provincial accents. They're usually from the countryside. Often they will want to show off their Wal-Mart lingerie. Occasionally they will have stretch-marks.

8. They will mutter all kinds of down-home commentary like oh baby, take me now, ah like fuckin' best of all, and you gonna need to cum now cause you last long'r than a sixty-year-old man who can't get it up and ah got places to go

9. The instant you ejaculate, they will whisk their clothes back on, decline your offer of a shower, and head back into their cars. Pimps and madams are vicious sorts, always obsessed with profits, which normally go towards their substance abuse problems. Some of the girls work for two days solid without a break.

10. Don't ever fall in love with an escort girl. You'll probably find some hooker with a heart of gold who is foolish enough to not be able to separate business from pleasure.