Friday, January 25, 2008

A Turn for the Personal

I deliberately try to keep myself, meaning my personal life, out of this blog. The deeper purpose of Comrade Kevin's Chrestomathy is to showcase my political and spiritual views. Sometimes, however, I feel inclined to reveal to that personal part of me who is more than merely strong opinions, reason, logic, and wordly perspective. Today I'd like to take the time to reflect upon how far I have come in my life. Today I'd like to simultaneously note my progress and touch upon my failings.

The Bible says, "As you sow, so shall you reap".

God had some powerful lessons to teach me and to his credit, He did not sugarcoat them. There are reasons why I am twenty-seven years old and blessed with a rapidly thinning hairline and the beginning signs of grey around my temples. His purpose in doing so, I firmly believe, was to teach me humility and to deflate my ego. In younger years, I was a much more selfish person. I was much quicker to judge and far more inclined to lose my temper. I believed, foolishly, that the best way to change minds was to inflame and to offend. As a result of this, several people in my past kept me at arm's length and distanced themselves deliberately to avoid contact.

To blame their response soley on my illness would be, somehow, evading responsibility for my actions. Sickness alone might explain why I acted as I did; it might explain why I reacted so irrationally, so incautiously, so hurtfully to others. However, it does not excuse them. I was wrong and as such I paid the consequences. I know what it is like to agonize, to feel contrition, to be overwhelmed with guilt, sorrow, and shame. I know the crushing sensation of isolation and the pain caused by standing alone in my contrary opinion against a mass of others who disagree strongly and collectively seek to devalue and destroy my argument. Often, I did all of these things to myself. I hold myself to blame.

I never pander for anyone's sympathy. That is not my nature. Perhaps I ask to be understood to a greater degree, but coaxing a desired response based on purely self-gratifying, self-serving motives is not my greater goal. I have made a connection now between how I was then and how I am now. Looking back on how I was in my past I realize now the ways by which individuals in crisis and in emotional turmoil are inclined to respond. As such, I am far more compassionate now, far more empathetic now, far more understanding of their motives and their actions. More than punitive punishment, this lesson in tough love was the greater reason for my suffering. This was the most fundamental lesson to be pulled from what I experienced. Let it be said that I have listened and I pray I never forget it.

1 comment:

Distributorcap said...

sound like you have come a long way -- good for you! getting older is harder and easier --- all depends on how you approach things....

keep up the good work for yourself