This week, I been have inundated with advertisements, relationship advice, and highly unscientific surveys commemorating this day dedicated to being coupled with someone. After a while, it all gets kind of nauseating and cloying. So in the spirit of sarcasm, I recommend a few alternative Valentine's Day gatherings for couples.
- Venereal Disease Lecture- Spend the holiday listening to an expert in sexually transmitted diseases tell the lengthy historical record behind the spread, growth, and treatment of STIs. Leave feeling strangely enlightened, and thoroughly disgusted by the slide show presentation of sexual organs in advanced stages of syphilis. Make a dual vow to bone up on contraceptive techniques immediately. The rest of the afternoon is spent at a drug store investing in multiple forms and methods of birth control and prevention.
- Cheap Candy Gift Exchange- In lieu of giving each other expensive gifts, present your partner with the most inexpensive possible boxed chocolate candy product. Selections found at the dollar store and/or Costco are particularly favored. Milk Duds do count, barely.
- Unorthodox Romantic Walk- Instead of strolling hand-in-hand by a river bank or related scenic view, consider changing your location to a slum, ghetto, and/or port authority. Observe the worst of humanity, bad smells, and petty crime as you enjoy each others' company. Delight in narrowly avoiding being hit by a car while crossing the road.
- Pornographic Film Date- Nothing facilitates a healthy relationship like mutual pornographic film viewing. Granted, this trip will take you to rather rough parts of town, but you can easily stumble across a few decaying smut theaters while on your unorthodox romantic walk. As the both of you sit down to enjoy the film, try not to be distracted by large number of single men sitting alone quietly by themselves, trying not to call attention to whatever it is they are doing, each man occupied with some secret task that involves something to do with the hands.
- Going to a Sports Bar- What could be more romantic then average-quality hot wings, draft beer, and 47 television screens per square inch? Men should consider this option if they wish to cause sure-fire relationship friction, unless of course, the woman in question was at some point in her recent past a female athlete, especially in rugby or lacrosse.