Self-Starter

Today is going to be a lengthy travel day for me, so I figured I'd leave you all with a short story I've been working on. Unsurprisingly, it has been inspired by the exceptionally insipid job description cliches I've encountered during the job hunt.

Thanks,

Ed.
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Allow me to introduce myself. I'm a self-starter and a straight shooter with upper level management potential written all over me. In my new job at The Society for the Preservation of Acronyms, or SPA, for short, I'm the Director of Earnest, but Ultimately Unqualified Entry-Level Workers. EUUELW is one of the company's less profitable departments and I was hired to clean house and purge the dead weight from payroll. I'm certainly glad to take the opportunity to undertake a new challenge and improve my skill set in the process. In today's challenging economy, I'm glad to be taking an active role in eliminating benefit packages and unnecessary perks like merit-based pay raises.

Periodically I make conversation with those a few rungs down the food chain. It's always interesting to see what they think and take some suggestions for improving the process. The workers who have excellent attention to detail and strong time management skills are my favorites. They truly have a can-do spirit and strong ability to develop lasting and appropriate relationships with co-workers. This quality above all else I prize in my employees.

James is the shining star of the department. He's a hard worker who never complains about the people who work alongside him who put out little to no effort at all and make twice what he does.
I'm recommending him for a PINO (Promotion in Name Only) so that it'll be his responsibility, not mine to fire the people whose inaction sends us closer every quarter to bankruptcy. Here, we call that Redundancy Control Management or RCM. Though Pink Slip Dispersal Procol (PSDP) is a regrettable part of any modern workplace, it is a process that improves the strength of the entire company as a whole and allows us to be a greater player in Stock Option Risk Engagement (SORE).

"James," I say, with a wry smile in my voice, "You know what I like about you? I particularly like your ability to work independently, exercise high levels of judgment, initiative, and resourcefulness and multi-task to ensure high quality products."

He shyly replies, "Sir, I appreciate it. I have to say that my ability to communicate orally and in writing to department heads has improved my stature in the eyes of the corporate brass." James will go a long way. My only criticism of him is that it's difficult for him to provide advice and guidance on effective positioning of knowledge products, development of key messages, audience targeting, and dissemination strategies. But these are things he can easily improve upon with enough experience and visits to Motivation Conferences. In this respect, he is head and shoulders above most of my people, who have no clue what vital terms like synergy and positive accentuation mean. Not only that, they have no concept of problem solving skills or the ability to manage multiple responsibilities simultaneously.