Quote of the Week

"O Lord, help me not to despise or oppose what I do not understand."- William Penn

Saturday Video

I waited for you, Winterlong
You seem to be where I belong.
It's all illusion anyway.

If things should ever turn out wrong
And all the love we have is gone,
It won't be easy on that day.

Waiting to follow
Through the dreamlight of your way
Is not so easy for me now.

Half the time has passed away
Things we thought of yesterday
Come back now, come back now.

Waiting to follow
Through the dreamlight of your way
Is not so easy for me now.

Half the time has passed away
Things we thought of yesterday
Come back now, come back now.

I waited for you Winterlong
You seem to be where I belong.

Puritan Valentine's Day Cards

Click to embiggen

FLGBTQ Conference Notice

Early on Friday morning, I depart for the Quaker Midwinter gathering, which bears a particularly unwieldy acronym of FLGBTQC. In this context, it means Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Questioning Concerns. This is my first time to attend. It comes highly recommended by almost everyone, including but not limited to a lesbian F/friend who has formed a series of close friendships with many regular attenders.

In Quaker speak, a concern is an a idea or prompting by the Spirit which leads a Friend to take on a particular leading or position. Each of us will have our own concerns to share. We labor together in love as a group, for our own reasons, though I'd be willing to bet that our individual motives and desires often overlap. It is for this reason that we meet together in fellowship, while hopefully drawing strength from the commonality present within our similarities.

The gathering is not closed to only queer-identified participants. Several allies will be in attendance, too, and I appreciate their presence among us. I'm going to be wading into the middle of a conference whose history dates back at least to the last couple decades, and perhaps even longer than that. I'm sure established friendships and partnerships have existed for a long time; I don't want them to be exclusionary. I'm told that 140 people have registered and plan to attend. I hope I don't get lost in the crowd.

Subconsciously and consciously, my own queer identity has taken an impressively large place in my thoughts. As part of my leadership role, I conducted a regular correspondence with the Meeting via e-mail listserve earlier this week. In it, I formally outed myself to everyone, though most people knew already. The decision was prompted by a slightly mortifying experience a couple weeks before.

I'd had a semi-awkward conversation with an openly gay member of the Meeting. He asked, more directly that I was expecting, the precise status of my sexual orientation.

So you are gay?

Caught off guard, I managed to stammer, No, bisexual. But the effect was not displayed with the confidence as I wanted desperately to project. I have been presumed to be lots of things over the years, and I find myself still fighting to not be defined on someone else's terms but my own. That being said, once the initial horror passed, he was supportive about the internal conflicts within my own life. These have only partially been resolved up to now, but maybe a supportive community will heal some long-festering wounds.

Raised a Muslim in a Middle Eastern country, the Friend who questioned me has mostly turned away from the faith of his upbringing. I was present for his wedding to a man at our Meetinghouse, whereupon I noticed that not a single family member of his own was in attendance. His now-husband, however, drew a large, demonstrative, and supportive combined crowd of relatives and nuclear family. LGBT rights still have a ways to go, as they are not yet evenly applied across the globe.   

In any case, I am not going to bring my laptop with me. I intend to fully participate in group activities, workshops, and generally being social. As much as the idea of live Tweeting the event appeals to me, I think I'll give my Twitter account, Facebook account, and e-mail account a rest for the most part. Expect no substantial blog updates from me from Friday until Tuesday.

I may put the Saturday Video and Sunday Quote of the Week on auto-post, because they don't require a tremendous amount of time and pre-planning. 

Coconut Grove

It’s really true, how nothing matters,
No mad, mad world,
And no mad hatters,
No one’s pitching,
Cause there ain’t no batters,

in Coconut Grove.

Don’t barre the door,
There’s no one coming,
The ocean’s roar,
Were double drumming,

of many city thoughts and city ways.

The ocean breeze has cooled my mind,
The salty days are hers and mine,
Just to do what we wanna.

Tonight we’ll find a dune that’s ours,
And softly she will speak the stars,
Until sunup.

It’s all from having someone knowing,
Just which way your head is blowing,
Who's always warm like in the morning,

in Coconut Grove.

Misfit Activism and Belief

The life of a prominent member of the Quaker Meeting of which I attend was commemorated yesterday. Though he’d been born intobeen born in a Jewish family ah,  a prominent member of the Meeting  a semi-observant Jewish family, Judaism as a religion did not appeal to him.

He was skeptical of the existence of God, yet found secular humanism and atheism to be sterile, academic exercises. It was clear by his life's work that he sought to believe and take part in something larger than himself, else he would not have sought the Religious Society of Friends. Converts to every faith tradition take similar forms. 

Much ado was made of the fact that, even though he always called himself a misfit, he nevertheless was one of the most dynamic members of the Meeting. His years of service in a staggering variety of areas did not go unnoticed. I see this same conundrum within many liberals, especially liberal people of faith. On one hand, progressives often state that they don’t care to belong to any club that would have them as a member. But on the other hand, the desire to belong and be part is stronger than any protestations to the contrary.   

Many people I know personally have felt like outliers for at least some portion of their lives. For a variety of factors, some biological, some sociological, I’ve felt outside the mainstream myself. Having said that, today I feel less estranged from humanity and God than at other times in my life. Adolescent existentialism has its own blameless place in our lives, but I believe it must be set aside eventually. We must embrace the mystery and enjoy life in spite of it, even if we can’t (and never will) quite wrap our minds around the notion. 

Is it truly important to maintain a system of personal belief which always ensures, in our thinking, that the rest of the world couldn’t possibly understand us? Circumstances differ, of course. I admit that prior to the initial stage of coming out as bisexual that I did feel that I was like no one else. With great jubilation, I learned over time that this was not the case. Though I may have developed a protective identity for myself as different, in the end, it wasn't necessary.

A younger me wanted to wear my distinctions like a button badge, alongside the other activist identities I’d adopted. Now, I’ve been seeking commonalities with other people, even though I concede that it is easy to slide back into my overly critical ways. No one ever said when, where, and how we were supposed to have everything figured out.

The creation story in Genesis has been interpreted a thousand ways over the centuries. I’ve always chosen to view it as symbolic, metaphorical, and allegorical—anything but literal. Humans are animals, but what distinguishes us from the beasts of the fields is the massive size of our brains. We have the ability to know both good and evil, at least to an extent, and to wrestle with the concept. If we are indeed created in God’s image, we see reality as complicated, nuanced, and far from simple.

The serpent was the shrewdest of all the wild animals the LORD God had made. One day he asked the woman, "Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?" "God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it, and you will be like God, knowing both good and evil."

We can, each of us, become the serpent that divides, distorting meaning for our own ends. We have the ability to come close to understanding ultimate reality and God, but we’ll always fall short. Human theories are disproved and ideas fall out of favor with the passage of time. An estrangement from God's guidance, however, is not forever. God never wavers or is rendered obsolete. We have free will and the choice to make our own path.

Any ideology or system of belief contains its own language and terminology. Many people with whom I communicate regularly have backgrounds in gender studies. Over time, I’ve picked up the key terms and concepts, especially the ones currently in vogue. But gender studies as a discipline seeks to poke holes through established thinking. I fully admit to being a feminist, in part, because I never have been able to understand, much less experience conventional masculinity. 

Like before, gender studies sees the current state of affairs as deeply flawed and needing a radical transformation. It appeals often to the same outliers, who view themselves as different, keepers of the one true faith. This is a breeding ground for misfits, malcontents, and seekers. 

When we see ourselves as one people, outside of the idealistic utopia of our own creation, one that may or may not ever come to pass, then we’ll undo the curse of humanity. Life is to struggle for meaning and context, and often to fall short. To those granted the vision to view a set of perfect circumstances, our burden will never be light. 

But in the meantime, we have significant inner work to do, work that will last the whole of our lifetimes. When our inner work is in synch with our outer work, then we can scale heights never before imaginable. Indeed, if we had faith even as small as a mustard seed, we could move mountains.

Quote of the Week

A prostitute was forgiven by Allah, because, passing by a panting dog near a well and seeing that the dog was about to die of thirst, she took off her shoe, and tying it with her head-cover she drew out some water for it. So, Allah forgave her because of that.- Muhammad, the prophet

Saturday Video

I am, a back door man
I am, a back door man
Well the men don't know, 

but the little girls understand

When everybody's tryin' to sleep
I'm somewhere making my midnight creep
Yes in the morning, when the rooster crow
Something tell me, I got to go

I am, a back door man
I am, a back door man
Well the men don't know, 

but the little girls understand

They take me to the doctor, shot full o' holes
Nurse cried, please save the soul
Killed him for murder, first degree
Judge's wife cried, let the man go free

I am, a back door man
I am, a back door man
Well the men don't know, 

but the little girls understand

Stand out there, cop's wife cried
Don't take him down, rather be dead
Six feets in the ground
When you come home you can eat pork and beans
I eats mo' chicken, any man seen

I am, a back door man
I am, a back door man

You Didn't Have to be So Nice

You didn't have to be so nice
I would have liked you anyway
If you had just looked once or twice
And gone upon your quiet way

Today I said the time was right for you to follow me
I knew I'd find you in a day or two
And it's true

You came upon a quiet day
You simply seemed to take your place
I knew that it would be that way
The minute that I saw your face

And when we've had a few more days
I wonder if I'll get to say
You didn't have to be so nice
I would have liked you anyway

Today I said the time was right for me to follow you
I knew I'd find you in a day or two
And it's true

You didn't have to be so nice
I would have liked you anyway
If you had just looked once or twice
And gone upon your quiet way

Health Update

What follows is yet another attempt to demystify chronic illness and disability. As always, I write to inform others and to process what I have personally experienced. All of this has been entirely new for me, too. Most people, fortunately, do not have to plan their life around a robust pill regimen and a series of never-ceasing medical appointments. What I am about to describe is a complicated process in which I must take part because, quite simply, I have to.

On Monday morning, I arrived on time for the latest study and was told to undress from the waist down. As I donned the thick hospital gown, I knew my lower extremities were to be exhaustively tested. The urology nurse and I have worked together weekly for the past four months and developed a strong rapport. Our personalities are similar. Though we have a sensitive, emotional core, we’re both very no-nonsense and direct. I trust her with my care and I know she respects me as a patient.  

As is usually the case, less invasive procedures have been tried first, before calling in the heavy artillery. Every Friday morning since the Autumn, I’ve had a small acupuncture needle inserted into my ankle, which is then electrified. The insertion is not especially painful, but the electric current applied to the site can be uncomfortable for a minute or two until the body adjusts. The process lasts about half an hour from start to finish. I’ve undergone sixteen of these at last count.

Overactive bladder, in my case, is caused when the spine over-signals the bladder to urinate. The inserted needle stimulates the nerve that runs from the ankle to the base of the spine. This procedure has been successful to a degree, but not enough to completely take care of the problem. I can now sit in a movie theater or at a friend’s house for an hour or so without feeling a constant compulsion to get up and go to the bathroom.  But sooner or later, the urge becomes overwhelming and I have no choice but to return once again.

I’ve come to a greater recognition of how Puritanical a society we still are, especially as concerns bodily functions. The urology nurse with whom I’ve grown close sees particular organs and orifices every day as part of her job. But it nonetheless felt awkward to bare my private parts to her. It cuts both ways, I suppose. If she were a complete stranger, I suppose I would feel a bit less exposed. Still, at the same time, I find I trust her to look out for me. If I didn’t know her at all, our patient/provider relationship would be very different, perhaps even for the worst.  

Catheters are a special kind of torture. No amount of lubricating gel or sharp intakes of breath allows one the ability to forget that a large foreign object has been forcibly inserted into one’s urethra. Not one, but two of them were used to monitor several different levels simultaneously. Video screens set up before me produced data that seemed meaningful enough, except that I couldn’t understand any of the output beamed outward. All I could focus on is how immobilized I was, sitting upright in a very awkward position, not able to find any comfort whatsoever.

The urologist doctor arrived later to observe. She is extremely attractive, which usually manages to distract me from my concerns and worries for a while. With tubes inserted into different, highly intimate parts of my body, I couldn’t much enjoy the visual spectacle. In a different context altogether, there might well have been something sexual about the whole thing. Most people don't take such an intensive look at my genitals unless they're sleeping with me. 

With interminable testing and medical procedures, I’ve learned to find diversions whenever possible. I am reminded of how my female friends describe a visit to the gynecologist: awkward and slightly mortifying. Fortunately, the worst is over. I have one remaining test that requires catheter insertion, but I’ll be numbed up severely beforehand. A small video camera attached to the catheter will show the urologist a complete picture of the inside of the bladder. The procedure usually lasts less than five minutes.  

Surgery has already been scheduled for the middle of March. As I believe I’ve written about before, a small pacemaker-like device will be implanted next to the bladder. It will provide the proper amount of signaling, taking over for the spine, which has been dysfunctional for years. I’ve had this issue for five or six years, but the problem didn’t become this severe until about eighteen months ago.

I’m enthusiastic about the procedure. It embarrasses me to be the party guest who visits the bathroom four times every hour, when everyone else goes once. Recording how much I urinate and how often (part of treatment) can be tedious, and servers as an alarming reminds me of just how much the problem has deteriorated over time. Still, there are treatments to fix the bladder, and I have no doubt that this condition will get better.

Our Spiritual State

Part of my responsibilities as clerk of Ministry and Worship are to compile an annual report. In it, my Monthly Meeting seeks to attain the Spiritual State of the Meeting. The past several years, we’ve relied upon an online survey to gather information from members and regular attenders. It has encouraged greater participation and honesty. The anonymity of the internet produces strongly felt opinions one would not ordinarily hear in day-to-day conversation. 

felt lydinarily hear in day-to-day conversation. ion from the Meeting. The anonymity of the internet produces opinions one woul

Our challenges are not uncommon to many urban Meetings. Though small by orthodox Christian standards, the Meeting is one of the ten largest in the North America, if not the world. Perhaps unavoidably, a wide divergence of opinion fragments the Meeting into factions. Here, the Christian sits uneasily on benches beside the damaged-by-Christianity. The adamant theist speaks into the same silence as the agnostic seeker. In theory, each of these sub-groups is made stronger by the presence of the other. In practice, the effect is often more isolating than unifying.

I have to say I've never believed in all of the ideals of conventional liberalism. It is important, I agree, to provide Friends an avenue to personal expression and communion with God. Yet, I must also concede that we now live in an increasingly Post-Christian world. Our grandparents memorized certain scriptural passages, spent many Sundays at church, and were thoroughly familiar with Christian language and biblical stories. Now, I fear we have thrown the baby out with the bathwater.

One could make a case that, even then, many people went through the motions, without much conviction toward God or any belief in a higher power. But in any case, it is true that much of my generation has been raised to not see much value in religion. Generations that follow me are even more skeptical, more inclined to see religion as a destructive force that stifles individual liberty. Right-wing Christianity is said to speak for all of Christendom, which is simply untrue.

Centuries of helpful Christian spiritual tools and modes of thought are simply not available to people who are too busy running away from Christianity. What bothers me most are those who have cut themselves off from a potential loving source of great Spiritual contentment. I am afraid that liberal Friends are becoming a group of people who think that Quakerism has no firm and fixed beliefs. In this way of thinking, as long as one does no overt harm, he or she is okay in this world.

The hectic pace of a workaholic city, if not a workaholic culture provides us little time to discern a spiritual infrastructure. Ego and unbelief is destroying us, because some of us have opted to choose God on our terms instead of seeking the Light of the Divine. The Light will reveal itself beyond our human, imperfect requirements of what God must be. We must fight the impulse to think that God must be tangible and provable, despite the fact that the mystery of Divinity is central to our faith. 

In effect, it is not Light we are seeking, but instead the hope and desire that we will not have to see the Light. If we live in darkness, we are off the hook. And should we keep this attitude, we will be utterly blind to any sort of Divine impact in our lives. Any human concept of God is, at best, an approximation and an Idol. Doctrine and Absolutism is idolatry. God can only be found in mystical experience, though we must first search for him.

Daydream

What a day for a day dream,
What a day for a day dreamin' boy.
And I'm lost in a day dream,
Dreamin' 'bout my bundle of joy.

And even if time ain't really on my side,
It's one of those days for taking a walk outside.
I'm blowing the day to take a walk in the sun,
And fall on my face in somebody's new mowed lawn.

I've been havin' a sweet dream,
I've been dreamin' since I woke up today,
It's starring me in my sweet dream,
'Cause she's the one that makes me feel this way,

And even if time is passin' me by a lot,
I couldn't care less about the dues you say I've got.
Tomorrow I'll pay the dues for dropping my load.
A pie in the face for being a sleepy bull toad.

What a day for a day dream,
What a day for a day dreamin' boy.
And I'm lost in a day dream,
Dreamin' 'bout my bundle of joy.

Quote of the Week

"I like the idea of gender as a continuum. Now, there are people who want to smash the gender binary and I’m not sure that’s possible, but it’s an interesting time."- Meryn Cadell

New Orleans in Blue

New Orleans, a set on Flickr.

Saturday Video

Ss-ah-ff-ee-tt-yy
Safety-dance!

Ah we can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind
'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance
Well, they're are no friends of mine
I say, we can go where we want to, a place where they will never find
And we can act like we come from out of this world
Leave the real one far behind,
And we can dance

We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind
'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance
Well they're are no friends of mine
I say, we can go where we want to a place where they will never find
And we can act like we come from out of this world
Leave the real one far behind
And we can dance.

Francois!

Ah we can go when we want to the night is young and so am I
And we can dress real neat from our hats to our feet
And surprise 'em with the victory cry

I Say we can act if want to if we don't nobody will
And you can act real rude and totally removed
And I can act like an imbecile
I say we can dance, we can dance everything out control
We can dance, we can dance we're doing it wall to wall
We can dance, we can dance everybody look at your hands
We can dance, we can dance everybody takin' the chance

Safety dance
Oh well the safety dance
Ah yes the safety dance

Ss-aa-ff-ee-tt-yy
Safety-Dance

We can dance if we want to, we've got all your life and mine
As long as we abuse it, never gonna lose it
Everything'll work out right
I say, we can dance if we want to we can leave your friends behind
'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance
Well they're are no friends of mine

I say we can dance, we can dance everything out control
We can dance, we can dance we're doing it wall to wall
We can dance, we can dance everybody look at your hands
We can dance, we can dance everybody's takin' the chance