Why I Didn't Post Something Today

I was busy with two particularly important things.

First, I underwent a third round of lab work, the first since mid-November. Blood was taken to check all of my key hormonal levels, particularly testosterone and cortisol. I probably won't get the results back for a week, but when they do arrive, they will provide an idea of whether my testosterone dosage needs to be modified or left as it is. And maybe a few other things, too.

The specialized tests to determine the exact cause of the hypogonadism will have to wait another ten days until January 24. That is when I meet with the endocrinologist, finally. That is also where most of this mystery will be unraveled, and where I will finally make my way towards some final resolution of what has been a lengthy process.

Second, I agreed to see a male trauma specialist, provided insurance will cover it. This is a huge deal for me, since I'm frequently uncomfortable in the company of men. My current therapist has determined that this is the only way I'm ever going to make needed progress. She and I have run into a major impasse regarding an especially crucial therapy goal, and her belief is that the immediate discomfort I will feel under the care of a man, any man, is the only way those specific memories will ever be brought into the conscious mind.

As I've written about before, I was sexually abused in childhood, and most of those memories have been completely suppressed. The object now is to bring them to the surface, otherwise, it is likely I will still be stuck in an unhealthy mode of thinking and of behavior. The process will be painful, but I've known for years that the solution has been long buried in my mind. I just haven't had the means to know where to access it. I am understandably anxious about the change, but I know that I must make it to secure lasting health.